Where do i go from here?

So I'm in this special program at a hotel where we're "managers in training" so to speak. Only 8 are accepted at any given time and we're the ONLY hotel in the US to have this program. Pretty awesome huh? Except I genuinely hate hate hate hate HATE my job. I don't really mind the physical job in itself much- checking someone in, checking someone out etc. I really can't stand the management with how they treat everyone in our department. They just talk to us like we're really dumb and the environment they've created for us to work in completely just sucks. The program is a fast track promotion system- usually within 6-9 months you're promoted. Halfway through my program, they changed the rules. Management took away our daily checklists (reports/paperwork etc). They told us that we would be taught the checklist after we're promoted etc. Management said... just give out quality customer service. Okay. done and done. Today I find out from Whitney (who's next in line to get promoted) that she was turned down for an open position because she didn't know the checklist. This just completely makes me wonder... why am I still at this job!? Why do I stay at a workplace where I physically cry EVERY SINGLE week? I find excuses to not be at work and I am overall just an unhappy person. What am I doing with my life? On the other hand, leaving just feels like I'm quitting and I am not a quitter. But in all honesty, my major isn't in hospitality and I really don't want to be in an environment where I'm miserable. Jeremy Steffens wrote a blog post today about re-evaluating your life and really doing what makes you happy and doing what God had planned for us instead of what we think God has planned for us. While I totally agree... my mom thinks I'm just being a pansy. Lord, where do I go from here?

Two weeks ago, I was talking to Steph about how I'm so afraid of dying alone. How I've been praying for years for God to bring me a boyfriend I could grow with. How I hate going through the holidays alone and how I feel like a loser for not being attractive enough to get a boyfriend. Well, yesterday I read Jeremy Sexton's (there are so many Jeremy's in my life, it is very necessary to use their last names) and Chris Jarrell's conversation on twitter and eventually onto Chris' blog about marriage versus singleness. It was so amazing and thrilling to read that it completely captivated me in various ways. One: that they both could be so honest in what they were saying on a public forum like twitter and Chris' blog without a second thought or glance, gave me the courage to write openly and honestly on my personal blog tonight. Two: Chris said last night that "marriage does NOT complete anyone. Marriage does compliment...but people need to be complete before they ever enter into marriage." This struck me HARD. I've got such a long way to go before I'm complete with myself. I have so many insecurities that I need to work on still (other people's opinion affecting me is a MAJOR one- can you imagine me bringing that into a relationship?) that I know why God hasn't given me a partner yet. On the other hand, I really am lonely all the time now. Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of friends and I have plenty of family who love me and would never let me "die alone". But there's something about the presence of a man and the smell of man that I just really miss. Lord, where do I go from here?

After I made my blog public last night, I literally sat in bed crying because I thought everyone at NCC would no longer be my friends after they've discovered the "real" me. Well... that didn't happen. In fact, they've actually been more supportive! I've been so blessed to have friends like Alana and Jenn who talk me down from my hysteria on a daily basis and continue to love me even though I do and say the craziest things. But God knows me, and knew that it wouldn't be enough for me to have Alana's support from New York. So God planted me at NCC, where I am surrounded by God fearing men and women almost every day. Now I observe conversations that revolve around God and the Bible daily thru various outlets. Where I was always a Christian and living a Christian life, God knew it wasn't enough. So God planted me in the middle of a thriving Christian community of individuals my age so they could show me the way. What an amazing time for me! What a change in my life God has given me! Two weeks ago I wouldn't even be TALKING about God the way I have been lately. Two weeks ago, I wouldn't be sitting here WRITING about God. Now don't get me wrong... the simple thought of someone judging me is enough to bring me to tears still- but somehow the urge isn't has bad. I'm still not the kinda of gal who screams "LOOK AT ME!!!! I'M A JESUS LOVER!!!!!" But I'm not as afraid of saying it now either. I know there's a long growing period for me here- Lord, I'm asking for you to show me the way.