music. my worship.

So i'm on the train home from Brooklyn and i'm just sad because I just spent a great weekend with my family and tomorrow I have to go back to work at the grand. Soooo excited!!

But then I turned on my MP3 player and "you'll come" by hillsong came on. And I'll be honest, I never really paid much attention to the song, but as i'm standing in Penn station, the song just pours into me. I turn up the volume and really listened. Suddenly, my sadness went away, the crazy lady that kept "accidentally" kicking my suitcase was gone and I was alone in Penn station. "surely as the sun will rise, you'll come." oh man, it was so awesome. Just standing there soaking in that song.

Music takes me to a whole other level of worship. I love the feeling when an orchestra is tuning- hands down my favorite moment of a rehearsal. I love how i'm transported to another world that books and pictures just cannot take me to. I love how singing uses every fiber of my being to produce "great" music. And lately, I love how music really allows me to sign freely- without worry. When we're worshiping in church, I am the only person there with God. I KNOW that Gena is standing next to me, but it is the only time when I don't care about what someone thinks of my singing, how loud I am and what I look like when i'm doing it. Its a moment of complete and utter freedom. And I really love how signing has allowed me physically show my love for music. I'm not the type of person to stand with my hands in the air when we worship, but i've always felt that I need to do more. Signing allows me that "release" so to speak.

So while I was at home, i've seriously noticed how slow our internet was and how spoiled I was by high speed internet. Anyways, I was talking to Jeremy and he mentioned a new blog post. So I pull up his blog and wait the eternity (I.e. 2 minutes) for his page to load. No new post. Lol he didn't post it yet- bum tricked me! Anyhow, while I was on the page already, I started reading some older posts of his. There's one about how Jeremy is walking and the sun is setting and he's seeing shadows and how he could make the photo better by using different programs etc. Never, ever have I looked at the sunset and thought that. I've looked at the sunset and thanked the Lord for a glorious sunset. But all that stuff he thinks about.... Amazes me. Anyways, so he goes on saying how this is his way of worshiping and that he "play(s) with light and color and motion and create something that I find beautiful that I think my Father would be proud of ". I could never see a picture and just know and feel something within the very core of me from the Lord. That said, the same response or feeling that Jeremy gets- that other level he views God's creation, is what I get when I hear worship songs. Well, most worship songs. Some are pretty bad. The same way he thinks about pictures and images I think about music and rehearsals and the instruments. And recently, I think about how I would sign it if I was helping Kari. I'm completely transported to a world where its just me and God. I think about how I can continue to please Him through my music and what else I can do with my voice. (P.S. Jer explains it eighty times better than I ever could, if I find his post again, I'll link it)

Lately, I've had a stronger urge to sing and perform again. I've been taking lessons and haven't done a single show in over a year. God gave me my voice and I use to think that no one would want to hear my voice because it can't possibly be any good. Like my relationship with Christ, I've mostly kept my singing a secret from those who know me outside of school. I know, you must be thinking, you were a MUSIC major! I hated performing. Lol I knew that I needed to. I knew subconsciously that God gave me my voice and recently, I've realize with a greater conviction that this voice was meant to be shared. God has always seen to it that my lessons were well paid for, even though I had no money to cover tuition, my lessons were always taken care of. When I was in school, I was selected for guest artists to work with me in master classes even though I am most clearly not the best singer in my class. God's given me everything I could ever ask for. God's given me luxuries I've never been able to do or handle on my own. It's time I start paying Him back for all He's done for me. I'm always scared that others will think I can't sing. But I can!! God's seen to it that I am fully capable of singing! Why hide it?

music. my worship.