Deep in my soul

Couple weeks ago, I shared with Steph my story. The details of my story are difficult for me to re-hash and I don't have a problem sharing it with others. But, it takes a significant amount of energy from me to re-tell it time and time again. In the past, I use to cry every time I told someone my story and these days, I can pretty much get through telling my story with a smile on my face.

Steph observed that I tell my story in the third person, as if the person I'm telling the story about is not me. There are most definitely parts of my story that are blurry and there are details that I simply don't remember. As we have been talking over it in the last couple of weeks, I realized that I have simply buried those details and facts deep deep down in my heart and soul. Leaving all those details in that box allows for me to share my story without crying every time and it allows for me to smile when I'm re-living my story every time I tell it again. But, leaving things in that box means that I'm unable to give my heart completely to God. There's a part of me that's untouchable and unreachable.

As Pastor Mark preached about the soul this week at NCC, I realized that in order for me to have a healthy relationship with others, with myself and most importantly, with God- I need to start working on sharing more. I need to trust more. I need to dig way deep down in my soul and try to remember these details. It'll take a lot longer than a day or a week- heck it may take years. But I need to consciously take the first step and start opening this box, so that one day, I can give my heart and soul- all of it, to the Lord.

My story isnt' a secret. I'll share it with you if you ask me. But I'm not comfortable with posting it online just yet, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be. But if you're interested, we'll sit down one day for coffee :o).