Add It To The List

Humans are creatures of habit. You drive to work using the same route, have a cup of coffee or tea, check your e-mails, update your schedule, etc. Not all habits are good habits though. We resolve to change our bad habits (generally around New Years). We sincerely mean it. Sometimes we succeed but often we fail. Why? I don't think that we fail because we're "bad people". We're probably not bad people, I honestly believe that. We're "failing" because, simply put, habits are extremely hard to change. They're hard to change because they're so ingrained, because they're so almost-automatic.

It's a bad habit of mine to do everything myself. From a very young age, I was taught that if I was to ever survive in this world- I could only depend on myself. My biological mom was clear from the beginning that I was an accident baby. My biological father was clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. At the age 9, I moved in with my aunt and uncle in NYC. It was made very clear from the beginning, that I was not to rely on them for anything other than the basics. That left me. Me and my 9 year old self.

So I have control issues. But what's worse is, I have a habit of mine to not trust others. I can't even bring myself to type out the reasonssss for why I have trust issues (I will work on that... ).

But now... now I'm in the process of shedding my old skin and... crying. Seriously. I know I say that a lot on this blog. But, I am amazed at the amount of tears one can produce. It's astonishing to even me. I digress. The important thing here is, I have to learn how to change my bad habits. I can't live life unwilling to trust others and needing others to prove themselves to me. Logically, it sickens me to know that I do this to others. It really does. Because I know better and I want to be the kind of person who can trust others! And to be honest, I don't know that I was always aware that I had trust issues until now.

Couldn't be more thrilled about the next 46 days... lol Rallying myself to pray through this! Just add it to the list of circles I'm praying through.