The Other Shoe

It amazes me how quick I am to forget, how stubborn I actually am and how much I deflect the goodness of God. Sometimes, it happens so often that I wonder if I'm secretly a sadist internally.

I think what happens most of the time is this: I so desperately want to earn God's grace, love and mercy. Now, I should say that I work on a church staff. I know God's love, grace and mercy can't be earned. I know this. At least cognitively, I do. But when it comes down to my daily walk with Him, I've realized that I can't emotionally wrap my brain around that concept. Subconsciously, I think I am always waiting for the "other shoe to drop" in my relationships with others. The good times and honeymoon phases can only last so long right? Fun, sassy, laughs and adventures can only take you so far. At some point, the other shoe will drop. People will finally show their true colors. Friends will tell me that they're only friends with me because I'm good at organizing their life or because I'm the responsible one. Nothing in life is ever free. No one ever just befriends me for the sake of wanting to be my friend (at least in my head). These have all been tried and true for the first 24 years of my life.

This unfortunately carries over into my relationship with God. There's no possible way that He just wants me to be me. There's no way He would call me Daughter without an exchange of expectations, chores, babysitting duties and household responsibilities. There's no way He would tell me that I'm not a mistake, when others have made it so very clear that I am. But yet, He does. And so I walk cautiously with Him in this relationship... waiting for the fine print to be presented to me. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for God to withdraw all His promises, dreams and desires He's given me.

What I need to learn, again and again, is that He will never drop the other shoe. He will never stop calling me Daughter, Beloved, Precious and a slew of other names I'm not comfortable with. More importantly, He will never expect me to have to work for that name. Never. And no matter what I do, say or... do, I can't earn His love. He gives it to me freely, with no strings attached. It's working it's way into my heart... slowly, but surely, the walls around my heart are being chipped away. Pastor Heather says. "LET God name you" and she's right. In order for me to receive His names for me, I have to posture myself in a way to where I can receive it fully.

Then maybe, just maybe, I can take words at face value- those of my friends and those of God.