Acquaintances, Friends, and Close Friends

Today in Bible study, we defined the differences between acquaintances, friends and close friends. We used the amount of time spent with one another, the number of people we associate in that column and the topics of life we talk about with one another in each respective column as a reference for comparison.

For most, you have thousands of acquaintances, hundreds of friends and a few (less than 5) close friends.

For most, you spend next to no time with acquaintances, a couple of parties/ social gatherings/ bible studies etc with friends and all the free time possible with your close friends.

For most, you chat about niceties/weather with acquaintances, you discuss work/school/churchy things with friends and you divulge all those remarks you couldn't say in front of others to your close friends.

Not for me... at least, that's what I thought.

You see, there's not much that I hide from folks. If you ask me a question, I will answer honestly. If I disagree with you, for the most part, I will tell you. When I mentally tallied the numbers in my head, I had thousands of acquaintances, hundreds of friends and loooots of close friends. Or so I thought.

You see, close friendships require work, tears, pain and sweat amongst the laughing, smiles and story times. In order for there to be tear and pain... I had to have hurt my friend. However, I can't recall INTENTIONALLY ever hurting a friend before. I can't recall, in the last couple of years, having to humble myself to a friend because I hurt them due to something that I did. (I'm not saying that I didn't hurt anyone, because I'm sure that I have. But I can't remember hurting someone where I needed to go back and apologize for what I did or said.) And so, in REALITY, I really don't have any close friends... at all. I was being fake. I'm a people pleaser. I was not being me... at all.

It's totally my fault. I've royally screwed up relationships in the past and I'm terrified of doing the same again. I've been manipulative and arrogant. I've been a really bad friend, girlfriend, daughter and sister to a ton of people... and I really didn't want to be that person again. So, years ago, I put up walls around myself and froze. Life went on, of course. But relationally, I didn't. I was... no, I AM scared of moving forward because clinging on to what I know is so much easier than stepping out blindly in faith towards something much better and much more rewarding. As a result, I have no close friends.

Here I am wondering why. Here I am wondering what I need to be doing differently starting today. I don't think it means that I need to divulge my past and tell my life story to everyone I come across. But, I do think it means that I need to be REAL. I think it means that I need to stop hating myself and who I am and start standing up in who God has called me to be. I need to stop worrying about if I'm being judged by others or if God will still love me for thinking these snarky thoughts... or if someone will dislike the music that I like and as a result, dislike me. I need to stop being fake.

This is not going to be easy. I feel like I knew who I was before and I was comfortable in my fakeness... and now I'm learning that it's all a lie. It's not me at all. Old habits die hard. So we're starting with the basics. What do I know about me today?

Hello. My name is Diana Wei Fang and I am a daughter of Christ. (to be continued...)