All In: Marriage

I've never wanted babies of my own (genetically). I really don't want to continue sharing my genes. My family history is messy and sloppy enough without passing it down to another generation. Until recently, I was pretty sure that I would be okay if I was single for the rest of my life. If God had plans for me to be single... I was really really okay with that. I have a job that I love, friends that I cherish and a crazy family (who doesn't?)

Over the last 6 months, I've really been pressing/digging into this matter (as you see from the blog), but really haven't given the idea of having babies much more thought. It just isn't something I think about often. But honestly, in the last 2 months or so... I've really embraced the idea of being married and having biological kids a little more.

Currently, NCC is in a sermons series titled, "All In". Last weekend, Pastor Mark led the congregation into extended worship after the sermon was over (He preached on Abraham/Issac and how god gave them a blessing and then asked for them to give up the blessing on an altar as a test because God wanted to ensure that He is first in our lives-always.) During the extended worship, PM asked us to try/experiment with a new posture while worshiping God. Sooooo, here I am... trying to be obedient. And I ask God: What would you like for me to give up? God's response: The idea of marriage.

No big deal right? I'm not even sure if I want to be married or not... what's the dealio? WRONG! I was so taken aback by the thought of giving up the idea of being married, I had to ask again. Sure enough. I didn't hear incorrectly. How could this be? I was JUST getting use to the idea of it. I was JUST starting to daydream about it- never in my life had I really ever seriously thought about getting married. You know those stories you hear about little girls who have dreamed about their wedding day and wear the little pillow cases as their veil? Yeah, that was never me. I just didn't want to drag an entire family through what I went through.

I can not, for the life of me, understand why I was SO devastated about being asked to give up the idea of marriage. Standing there, in my little worship bubble- I agreed. I told God that I would give up the idea of marriage. But even so, in place of what I thought would be relief... was angst from the pit of my stomach. All of a sudden, I wanted marriage more than ANYTHING I've wanted in a long time. What was the deal God? I didn't think that God was in the business of taking away a desire and a blessing that He had given me.

Weeks later, I had some great counseling from a wonderful mentor and she challenged me to ask God to clarify what He meant. Was He asking me to give up marriage and pursue a life of singleness? OR was He asking me to give up the control in the idea of marriage? After some prayer walking (more like pacing), I really felt God telling me to give up CONTROL. In some ways, that's more difficult because it means hands off- completely. It's another step of trust in my walk of faith.

I also asked some wonderful friends who's opinion I really value. Here's what they think:

God needed to take the idea of marriage away in order for me to realize how desperately I actually wanted something.

Like Abraham/Issac, God just wanted to see if I would be willing to give up something so near and dear to me so that He will always be first in my life.

I'm finally in a place where I have enough "holy confidence" in me to truly think that someone could possibly love me AND I'm at a place where if I have a baby, I'm not passing down my crappy genes, but rather God's blessing.

Who knows what God has in store for me... this is only the beginning. Stay tuned folks. :)