Currently, I'm reading a book called Captivating. It. Is. Kicking. My. Butt.
It talks about a a fundamental question that all women ask themselves: "Am I lovely?"
It goes on to say that "women hide behind our makeup, our humor, angry silences and punishing withdrawals. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted and safe. We act in self protective ways and refuse to offer what we truly see, believe and know. We will not risk rejection or looking like a fool. We have spoken in the past and been met with blank stares and mocking guffaws. We will not do it again. We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. By hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts."
For me, a way to hide is by striving. I was really surprised when I read this in the book. I had no idea that all these years of working round the clock was actually me hiding behind who I really could be.
Looking back, it makes total sense. I grew up with the mantra "no one wants you if you can't earn your place". Money, job security and titles was the definition to success in my house. From the age of 12, I started volunteering and working various jobs. I needed to feel like I was worth something. And as long as I kept my grades up and worked- I was easily the favorite in my house. Since then, I have never looked back. I have hid behind my job for a long time... often putting in overtime when no one has asked me. In a strange way, I protected myself by never requiring attention, never causing pain and everything needed to be perfect. If I upset anything at work, my ship would sink- both at home and at my job. So I hid. Instead of coming up for air and asking God what He thinks of me, I chose to embrace the shame that kept me pinned down, believing that I deserved every bit of it.
The story of Mary and Martha from the Bible comes to mind here. I'm much too busy being Martha and taking care of all the details to be still and sit in God's presence. From where I'm sitting now, Mary seems like a lifetime away.
So as we continue our "All In" themed year... I surrender the will to strive and take up the peace of God's presence.
1 comment:
Oh man I hated that book, but it was REALLY good for me. I should probably read it again - life is so different now. I don't really want to. Hard!
I fight that same striving bit - less than in the past, but it's so often my default... Interestingly, I fight it for the opposite reason. Funny how Satan can attack us with sameness in different ways. At times, people told me they didn't expect anything of me but failure "all things considered." Those moments clung to me and I desperately sought to defy them. Unfortunately, defying standards that aren't the ones God set for me isn't all that meaningful. And so, of late, my life theme is: "If I weren't such a control freak, I'd be much better at life."
Love your honesty girl - thanks for sharing your heart. I treasure it and I needed to be reminded of this now.
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