Ever feel like that? God give me ANYTHING else than the cards You've dealt me. God, I wanted something or someone else. And then there's always the added caveat- if it's Your will lol. That line always cracked me up. Like we're asking for something we know is wrong, but we want to be obedient too, so we go halvesies on it.
Part of the praying through and not praying away from the last 4 weeks has been a lot of this... desperately wanting a different set of cards dealt to me, wanting something else that was never meant for me. And most of all, ignoring the realities of who, what and where God has called me to. There is/was a loooooot of ignoring happening in my life. I want to pray away my background, relationships, friendship dramas, and pretty much any tough situations. Instead of dealing with the reality of what my mom really thinks of me, everything is just fine.
Instead... God has "wonderfully" challenged me with praying through. Sitting in the tension and waiting for God to work on my heart is so.not.fun. There really is nothing I can do... except to be still and know that He is God. He's got it covered. His timing is never late. He will never fail. Ever. He's got this.
Facing head on that there is dirt in my blood and often, it's messy and not something any man wants to even hear about, let alone deal with. That's my reality... that's my life. It's a blessing in disguise because I think that I've grown and learned a lot from my past. But it's still not something that will just go away.
I don't have a better answer than just chilling with God until it all works out. I feel like a giant ball of mess pretty much all the time and the ground is falling out from underneath me. At this point, I have a minute by minute dependance on Him, because what else is a girl suppose to do?
"Oh my God
He will not delay
my refuge and strength always.
I will not fear
His promise is true
my God will come through always
always"
~Kristian Stanfill
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