Praying through

Most of my blog posts occur AFTER I've worked it out. After I've already been mopey, eaten a pound and a half of chocolate, cried buckets and buckets of tears and been totally whiney... THAT's when you get a blog post. Well, I don't have an answer this time, but felt like it deserved a post.

NCC has been going through a 21 day prayer challenge that ended on Tuesday, might I add, it ended EPICLY with a night of prayer/praise at Barracks Row.

I started this 21 day prayer challenge with a nice LIST of things I wanted to pray about. Well, let's just say that God had something totally different planned starting from the very first DAY we started the challenge. And it just snowballed from there.

Over the last 21 days, I realized what a control freak I was/am. And though, I'm not even close to the control freak/planner/left brainer as I was maybe a year ago (CozyGirl has really done a number on me), I realized that I'm not reeeeeeally letting God take control of my life. It just looks like I am from the outside. I realized that I don't really allow others into my life either (not even Elastigirl or ChickenPotPie), for fear of them seeing me lose control. Trying to keep it all together has... for a lack of better words, made me undone .

My dearest friends- I have not stewarded you well and for that I am sorry. I have not shared what I should've shared and have not lived life with you to the extent that I should've. I have been selfish in wanting for things to always be delightful in our friendships and for that I am sorry. I've allowed for moments of vulnerability, but never wanting to be a burden or too "heavy", I have tried to keep things light. For those I consider in my inner circle, I have done a terrible disservice to our friendship. I've been afraid to let you in, for fear of losing you forever.

I've noticed that anytime someone asks me a question that hits too close to home (I'm pretty sure ChickenPotPie has a unique spiritual gift in this), I've tried to control the situation in someway, shape or form. The last 21 days has me praying through situations and friendships instead of praying away. It. Is. HARD. I feel like the ground underneath me has never felt so shakey. I have never been so dependent on the grace, mercy and sovereignty of God as I have in the last 21 days.

I'm learning to let go. I'm learning how to be a better friend. I'm learning to share the good, the bad and the ugly with friends and not just the entertaining stories or the stories that have a good outcome. I'm learning that even if I don't have the answer, I need to pray through. Letting go is hard. Letting my friends go is even harder. Here's to what feels like a blind leap of faith into.... ?